Pride in the accomplishment

"I'm going to save $100 dollars and give half of it to organizations" Noelle said in May.  "It will be a lot of work, but you can do it" we encouraged.

Throughout the summer, she has shown perseverance that makes me jealous.  So many times, she would see something and wish she could buy it - but remembering her goal - she would choose to walk away.  It was great watching her learn strategies for self-discipline... "I left my purse at home so that I wouldn't be tempted to buy anything".  She set up a lemonade stand in the neighborhood hoping for just one extra dollar to put toward her goal. 

After chores were paid this weekend, she was very close to her goal.  One more week and she'd be there.  Last night, we realized that she had already set aside some money to donate to several organizations.  Her eyes lit up as I explained that she planned to give each organization money anyway, so using the funds already set aside would all go to the same place.  She scrambled to take the money out of each carefully-labeled ziploc bag... $5 in this one, $2 an some change in another, more pennies and nickels and dimes....

$100 dollars and .28 cents!  "I did it!"

She was so proud to have met this goal, and so excited to make her donations - all before summer was even over.  My girl with her huge and generous heart making an impact on her world!  Thank you, Jesus for teaching her that giving is a gift in itself. 

Faith and Hope

Summer break has arrived, ready or not. I truly believe that every foster parent must have the spiritual gift of faith. The strain of every day can be entirely overwhelming, but we must hold on to hope that God can work change and bring joy back to our homes.

How are you ecstatic to go to school or see your friends, yet this house is the most miserable place you've ever been? (and you've been in some seriously miserable places). How can the honest answer to ANY question actually be "I don't know"? How can we watch our happy, peaceful family be turned inside out with fear, frustration and heartache again?

I don't know the answer to any of these questions. All I know with confidence is that it's not about us. God is working His purpose, not just in Nancy's life, but in the other five hearts as well. Lord, let your lessons pour into each of us like empty cisterns. Keep us from becoming hardened by this process, but show us where boundaries are necessary. Please work quickly to overcome. You will overcome. We will overcome, by the blood of the Lamb and the words of our testimony. Everyone, overcome. Without Faith, I couldn't cling to this hope and these last five months would claim victory. No one claims victory in this house but the Almighty God: Comforter, Prince of Peace, Savior, Master, Provider, Healer, Santifier, Truth, I Am, Messiah, Abba Father.

This is the Hard Soil

This wise response came from a dear friend listening to me processing our last 45 days. The statement stopped me and reminded me of how I describe my involvement in leading a few friends to Christ. I've never led anyone to "pray the prayer" have been the friend who engaged in hard discussions and led them to the foot of the cross where someone else had the blessing of seeing the fruit. Maybe that's one of the spiritual gifts God has given me...that stubborn perseverance that is able to work the hard soil. If you tell me to give up, I'll gain the determination to show you how it's done. I've never before thought of this perceived fault as God equipping me for his purpose. "Are you happy?" I asked last night as I tucked Nancy in. Nope, she doesn't understand. "Good? Are you good?" "Good." she replied. And this is progress. A response to a question. God's glimmer of hope for the day.

Tug of War

I find that parenting (or maybe just mothering) is a mind battle...constantly torn between

There's so much you must learn vs. I'm expecting too much and pushing too hard.

It starts before they're even born with all those terrible questions and advice about what to eat, when to eat it, how much to eat it, do I deliver in a hospital or at home, do I bottle feed, how much formula will scar my child for life, will she remember the pain from this diaper rash, shouldn't he know his colors by now, will she ever learn to flush, we obsess about all these details all day, every day.

But the kind of parenting we do now brings this obsessing to entirely new levels.  There are so many (truly valid) reasons to substantiate every behavior, every reaction, every challenge.      
     Do you avoid eye contact because you haven't attached yet or is it cultural?
     Is it just the language barrier?
     Maybe something cognitive keeps you from paying attention or remembering what we've asked?
     Are too many choices overwhelming you?

Where do I find the balance between benefit of the doubt and teaching you to be responsible?

Last week, we explained our parenting responsibilties as follows...
1.  Keep you relatively safe.
2.  Give you God.
3.  Teach you how to become a responsible, independent, successful member of society.

The URM program clearly focuses on preparing these kids for entering independent adulthood and beign able to sustain themselves.  Learn English, gain some work skills, make a life for yourself in America.  Some days it seems that the time Ruth and Nancy have as URMs is unending and we have plenty of time to impart each lesson.  Other days, we begin to feel the pressure of preparing Ruth for what lies ahead and with that pressure comes the mind battle...

"For Narnia"

Noelle is very into Narnia. After watching the movies with the family over Christmas break, several times a day she mentions how badly she wants to go to Narnia, when playing Wii she shouts "For Narnia" before making her move, every drawing or painting depicts Aslan the lion or Reepicheep the mouse. She is obsessed. A few weeks ago, she decided she wants to read the books. Mrs. Walker agreed to loan her personal copies for Noelle to use for her take home reading. Last night, she finished the first book in the series The Magician's Nephew. In addition to the reading, she has to complete some work about important themes and connections, so we were discussing what happened in the story. The paper asked for "the main idea". "It's a long book, there were a lot of big ideas." she says. I press in "Tell me some of them". Noelle provides a synopsis of several pieces of Digory's adventures and mistakes. She talks about how Aslan sings and nature grows and how that reminds her of Genesis' creation story. She remembers Aslan telling the beasts that all of belongs to them just like God has given us responsibility for our world. "You have a good heart, Noelle" I tell her. We move forward and discuss the finer points of the confusing circle of stewardship. - God gives us gifts, talents, husbands, children, jobs, houses, church communities... - He gives us the responsibility of using or investing them wisely - We learn to acknowledge that none of it is ours, and surrender full control to God - Our entire lives become a tool to bring God glory "But you don't have to write all that down" I tell my sweet daughter. A very relieved 8 year old notes that I was about to cry while talking about all that. "Because that lesson has changed our lives and brought us to where we are today - surrendering our family to God's purpose and joining Him in loving Ruth and Nancy." In the end we decided that Digory's story is about the inevitable truth that actions have consequences -in this world or in another Narnian world. What will be the impact of what you did yesterday?

Relentless

"We just have to be relentless" Tony says to me in reference to the tiring process of trying to get any response at all from Nancy, our new daughter. A head nod and "Mmm" is the only response we've seen in nearly two weeks. Relentless is actually one of favorite words in describing God's passion for each of us. He waits for us, he pursues us, he makes plans for us and then waits to see if we will listen and follow that plan. God is relentless in a good way.
Now, Tony and I have to be relentless in so many of the same ways. We keep trying day after day. We keep loving day after day. We keep hugging day after day. We keep pushing day after day. We keep hoping day after day. We keep praying day after day. This is what He has called us to...to love these orphans who have not known a laving parent. Even when it has no returns.

One More...

Today we welcomed one more. A 12 year old daughter from Africa now sleeps in a bed down the hall. I'm convinced that it's the first night she's ever spent in a bed with a blanket all to herself. She must be so overwhelmed by our house in comparison to the refugee camps where she has spent her entire life. May God pour down His gifts on her. Grace, unconditional love and quick learning for English and this whole new world. May she adjust quickly to having parents who care for her and protect her. Please God, equip us to be what she needs.

Just wanted to send a quick update on our family. Many of you know that we have always had a heart for adoption. Since last fall, we’ve been pursuing this call to adopt from foster care. Tomorrow afternoon we will meet Kendra. Kendra is 17 and needs an adoptive family. We are hopeful that this is the child that God has been preparing for us (as He’s been preparing us for her). We are very excited to meet her and learn more about her interests, hopes and fears. God has been so faithful as we’ve traveled the journey of becoming licensed foster care providers.

Please join us in praying that God would make his will for our family, and for Kendra, fully clear as we move into tomorrow and beyond. Below is a link to a CBS Wednesday’s Child profile on Kendra.

http://www.cbs4denver.com/video/?id=54370@kcnc.dayport.com

Thanks for loving and supporting our expanding family!

Santonastaso Update

With Kendra's departure, we have prayed steadily about taking another fost-adopt placement. For obvious reasons, we are hesitant and told God that we would wait on him to bring us the placement. We have refrained from looking at profiles and have just taken a wait and see approach. Isn't God funny?

Through a friend, we have learned about a little girl whose mom died just before Christmas. She is 10 years old and in need of a long term placement and/or adoptive home. She is currently staying with her grandmother, but cannot stay there due to grandma's health concerns. It seems like things might move very quickly once we meet her and the county doesn't have much history since she (thankfully) hasn't been in foster care but has been with family since her mom's death. This means that we face making this life altering decision quickly on what feels like very little information. Isn't God funnt?

Please pray for us as we enter into this decision. May God's direction be clear, may we get the answers we seek, may we have confidence as we trust God with our family.

Kendra did call last week to say she didn't mean what she had said to us. We went down and enjoyed a small "family Christmas get together" with her on Wednesday afternoon. Noelle was ecstatic for Kendra to open her gifts and to be able to celebrate to holiday together. Kendra showed us the Christmas gifts she had received when Santa visited Third Way and we were entertained by her overwhelming joy at a small bag of cotton candy we had put in her stocking. We didn't hear from Kendra at all over the weekend and we enjoyed seeing The Nutcracker, Christmas with Carrie's parents, brunch with Scott's in-laws (without Scott), and a restful afternoon with Scott's wife Amanda.

We hope each of you celebrated Christmas with those you love.

Tony and I had our first family meeting with Kendra last night. We've spoken by phone several times over the past two weeks since she has been at Third Way. These weeks have been peaceful and restful for our family. Fewer errands, fewer commitments, and fewer arguments, but a big adjustment to not having her around. Kendra was very happy to see us when we arrived, but seemed to be upset by us talking with her therapist for a bit without her.



Her therapist informed us that on Sunday, Kendra had secretly placed a call to her bio-mom and did have a conversation with her. Mom noted that she might try to come by and see Kendra on Christmas Eve. This glimmer of hope from her mom pushed Kendra to question and be angry at our level of commitment to her. I asked what she thought our support should look like, and she refused to respond.



Kendra communicated that she does not want to spend Christmas with us and stated that she doesn't think having a relationship with us is going to work, but wouldn't reveal her reasoning. She said that she doesn't want contact with us from now on. We told her that we will still reach out to her by calling and sending letters, but that she gets to choose whether to take our calls or read our letters. If she doesn't want a relationship with us, that's her choice - not ours.



The positive: Kendra made the choice. Our consistent message has been that we desire to give Kendra the love and support of a committed family, but she has to choose it. It's encouraging that she feels empowered to make this decision even if we don't agree that it's a wise decision. It is also clear that the staff at Third Way have a clear understanding of Kendra's needs as well as the experience and tools needed to address them. We are confident that she can get the help she needs there should she choose to take advantage of what is available to her.



Noelle broke into tears when we told her that Kendra decided not to come home for Christmas. She noted that she had wanted to see Kendra for her birthday and that didn't happen and that now she wouldn't see her for Christmas either. She's incredible and seems to understand that we need to accept Kendra's choice and that it doesn't change things for her - God loves us, we love each other, and we love Kendra even when she chooses not to be with us.



We seriously doubt that this is the end of our relationship with Kendra, we trust that God is in control of the entire situation and that His plan is good. So, we wait for His each step to be revealed for both us and for Kendra.

Yesterday, we took Kendra to Third Way and met with her county caseworker and one of the counselors on staff there. It was a tough thing for all of us, but Kendra truly does need help to develop the tools she will need to lead a successful life. Her biggest issue yesterday was learning that as a new resident they are not allowed to smoke for two weeks. With smoking being Kendra's primary coping mechanism, that might get ugly.

Kendra shares a room with two girls and should start at her new school tomorrow. We are taking a big step back for the next few weeks with the expectation that Kendra can accept her new reality and embrace being there and the help they offer instead of seeing it as punishment. Please continue to pray with us for the breakthrough that will allow Kendra to heal and grow during her time there. As Kendra progresses with therapy and independent living skills, she will move from this dormitory style facility to an apartment of her own in a building the program owns.

Noelle and Isaac are taking it in stride. A bit more emotional about things than normal, but I think they'll make the adjustment. Yesterday in the car, Noelle was "reading" Isaac the Christmas story - it was so great hearing her version of the angels appearing and Jesus being born. It was a good chance for me to embrace my true focus.

Thank you for all of the prayers. On Monday, 12/7 Kendra will be moving from our house to Third Way, a residential treatment facility specializing in independent living skills and intensive mental health therapy. Kendra has gone through several stages this past week, from accepting this placement to fighting it and trying to be placed elsewhere. From understanding that it will give her the best chance for success to thinking we don't love her and just want to get rid of her. We respond with the fact that sometimes a parent's job is to do what they see as best for their child long term despite her initial opinion that we are hurtful and mean. I believe it may be a "wait and see what happens" scenario on Monday. We are just praying that God is able to show her how truth and healing can impact her life right now and she obtain the end results she desires.

In the end, Kendra has to choose - what do I want, and what am I willing to do in order to get it?
Hopefully Kendra can find the will to choose change. We will continue to send updates on this journey. Our adoption agency has been notified that we are open to another fost-adopt placement (likely a younger girl this time). We will continue to support Kendra as her family as she progresses through Third Way and we hope that on the other end she can successfully make the choices necessary to be a part of our family.

We expect that Kendra will come home for a few days to celebrate Christmas with our family. My mom gave Kendra her hand-knit family stocking last night to hang on the mantle with the rest of ours. We are looking forward to the holiday and celebrating the hope a tiny baby brought to into our lives.

We've had a yo-yo ride these last few weeks with Kendra. She decided that she really wants to be a part of our family, so we agreed that it's never too late to make that choice and change her behaviors. It turns out it's much easier to make the decision than it is to change the behavior.
Last week we met with Kendra's "team" and collectively decided that if the end goal is for Kendra to successfully be a part of our family, the best way to accomplish that is for Kendra to move into a program in which she will receive the therapy and life skills preparation that she desperately needs. We have committed to being available as Kendra's family to support her through that process. Kendra's stance is that if she is sent there, she will run away. She continues to be defiant and combative with us in the mean time. We are praying that an opening is available really soon so that she can transition.

Please continue to pray for safety and protection over all of us. Pray that Kendra will be able to see that she needs help and choose to stay and actively participate in the work necessary for healing. Pray that they will have an opening for Kendra SOON.

A long lapse in updates means...things have not continued to move forward as we had hoped. Kendra's birthday party went well. We had many people come to show her love and acceptance. Most meaningful were the gifts of a necklace and other jewelry from her biological brothers. A few weeks ago, we accepted the fact that Kendra does not want change and refuses any input or parenting from us. While this may be "normal teenage behavior", it is not what Kendra truly needs, nor how we had hoped to serve in adopting from foster care. We have come to recognize that we can't continue to desperately want a life for Kendra that she does not want for herself.

What happens now? Kendra's team is attempting to determine the best course of action that will support her in accomplishing goals of graduation, emancipation and independence. Please pray for Kendra to utilize all resources as she makes decisions. Pray that God will prepare each of our hearts as we get ready to separate from daily life together. Pray that God would allow the truth that we've spoken and lived while Kendra has been in our care to pierce her heart and grow even as she leaves us.

If you have already donated for the Mexico mission trip, your contribution will be returned to you. Thank you for being so generous and expressing your desire to support both Kendra and our family in this way.

Thank you for all of the kind and encouraging words along the way. Those words have been so

Good news! A few weeks ago, we were able to have a tough conversation with Kendra about how desperately we desire to help a child in the foster care system. Kendra had clearly stated that she didn’t want help and her attitude and behaviors were making it impossible for us to try help her. We talked more about the need for her to choose to move forward and find healing and closure for her past. She stated that she wanted “to try” to make some changes and allow us to help her. Things have been better and we again have hope that we will see Kendra make choices to embrace a future. She seems to be accepting her new high school, is making friends, and is even playing on tackle football team!

Kendra turns 18 this Thursday, Oct 15. Some of you have asked what she would like for a birthday gift. Kendra has expressed the desire for her and Carrie to join a team from our church going on a mission trip to Mexico after Christmas. We are thrilled about this opportunity for Kendra to step out of her comfort zone and gain a greater understanding of God’s perspective on childhood, poverty, love and responsibility. Please prayerfully consider making a financial contribution to assist in the cost of this trip. If you are able to do so, please just contact us and we will get you more information. www.ahouseofhope.com


Pray for Kendra’s body and mind to easily adjust and withdraw as she reduces the number of cigarettes she is smoking each day.

Pray for Kendra to actively desire and pursue personal growth.

Pray that Kendra would make intentional decisions to invest her time and money in ways that have lasting benefit.

Pray that the birthday party we are having for Kendra (her first true birthday party) on Saturday is a smashing success: everyone enjoys the evening and Kendra feels special and honored.

God is faithful!

The past few weeks have continued to be a bit rough for all of us. Kendra wavers back and forth between wanting to move on and wanting to stay with us. Tony and I continually adjust expectations and are attempting to love and mentor Kendra through these remaining months of “childhood” and do what we can to prepare her for the future. Yesterday, we told Kendra of our desires for her to begin living for her future instead of being tortured by her past. Her only response was tears (not tears of joy, but of shame). Kendra seems to be unhappy and feels unworthy of living a life of purpose and fulfillment. She told us that it’s “just too late” for her. We countered with the stance that it’s never too late for anyone. People come through difficult times at all stages of life and DECIDE to turn their lives into something more. There is hope for her! Please pray that there would be a breakthrough for Kendra and that she would choose to rebel against her past and see that her future is pure opportunity.

Thanks to all of you who have been in prayer for our family. Yesterday afternoon, Kendra decided she didn’t want a family and she packed all of her stuff in about 45 minutes. Tony and I managed to remain calm and communicate our constant message to her “We love you. We want what’s best for you. We think that is to be here with us and have a family. But you have the power to make your own choice. “. We prayed fervently and tried to soothe the confusion and fear that Noelle and Isaac were feeling. Thankfully, God proved faithful – Kendra went for a walk and came back having decided that she would stay. We are hopeful that last night was a tipping point in which Kendra actually made the decision for herself: defining moment which provides clarity for her life.



The last several weeks have been challenging, but balance with some good times as well. Adjusting to parenting a teenager along with understanding and navigating high school when most parents get to ease through kindergarten first has been frustrating. We continue to hold confidently to God’s plan and place all trust in God’s ability to meet each of us every day with what we need.



Please continue to pray for us – emotional protection for our little ones, wisdom and patience for Tony and I. Pray desperately that God would move mightily in Kendra’s heart to show her she is loved and what love is. That the lies of Satan would be silenced for good and she would be able to begin healing and choosing to move forward into the life God is providing her. Pray that God would place people who know him into Kendra’s life and that she would find healthy friends she can depend on and trust.

Kendra moved in full time on July 24th! Since then we’ve been busy doing some family bonding and working to settle into life together before school starts next week. We got to spend the weekend in Montrose with Tony’s family. They enjoyed hearing Kendra sing and play her guitar and she loved spending time with her new cousin, Jackie. Last week we also spent a night camping in Cherokee Park State Wildlife Area.

Next week, Carrie will spend the week at her corporate headquarters in Philadelphia, so pray for Tony who will be holding down the fort. Kendra starts her senior year on Wednesday 8/19 and Noelle starts kindergarten the next Monday 8/24. Lots of changes for our family! We value your prayers as each of us adjusts to this new place in our lives. Please pray that we continue to seek God’s wisdom and that our focus remains on being excellent, attentive, servants who are able to listen well and speak the truth in love.

We’re looking forward to more and more of you getting to know Kendra as your lives settle down from summer travel and we’re able to get together.